They Say It Takes a Village, But I Keep Getting Kicked Off the Island

Mama D. Party of One.

Finding a village as a mom is often described as essential—a lifeline for navigating the joys and struggles of not just parenting, but your overall wellbeing. But what happens when the village feels more like Survivor, and you keep getting voted off the island? This has been my story—searching for connection, finding it elusive, and trying to reconcile the longing for community with the reality of who I am.

Early Conditioning and False Starts

Much of how we approach community and relationships as adults stems from our early years. The lessons we learn about trust, boundaries, and connection often lay the groundwork for how we seek our tribe. But what if that conditioning points us in the wrong direction?

For me, the mantras of my upbringing included:

• Never impose. (Don’t drop by uninvited.)

• Don’t overstay your welcome. (Be the first to leave the party.)

• Keep your business to yourself. (Vulnerability is a liability.)

These teachings kept me safe but also kept me small. They stunted my ability to connect deeply with others, and while there is wisdom in those mantras (right place, right time), they’ve often left my senses on high alert over analyzing any behavior that could be interpreted as unfavorable (toward me). So, I leave the party early. I ask a lot of questions but keep most of my business to myself (I'm trying to correct that) and I definitely don't invite myself over. So maybe I keep getting voted off because I just can't relax into these connections. However, I genuinely don't believe we're supposed to be doing life alone.

Evolving as an Individual and Parent

As I’ve grown through motherhood, I’ve realized how much our personal evolution influences the kind of connections we attract. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m not a small-talk person, and I’m not a joiner. I’m very much a lone wolf. My authenticity often means my “tribe pool” gets smaller, and sometimes that feels like a tragedy—especially when I need help or someone to lean on.

I'm acutely aware that I don't want that kind of isolation for my kids, so I make sure they connect in with groups in school, and extracurricular activities. Both of my boys are fantastic networkers. They're even showing me that the village doesn’t have to look like it did in generations past. Our modern lives offer new ways to build community that align with our individuality while still providing the support we need.

The Modern Village: Redefining Connection

The traditional image of a village—a close-knit group of extended family and neighbors—isn’t the reality for many of us. Families look different today. Some don’t have grandparents nearby or even a partner to rely on. For example, my husband works OTR. Both sets of Grandparents are gone. Our siblings, aunts, uncles, cousin are thousands of miles away. So, how do we build a village when the old frameworks don’t fit?

1. Leverage Technology: So, my oldest son, now 24, has made a strong friend group on TikTok. They are all over the world and some of them met up and go on trips together. I have another friend whose tribe is mostly digital, and she meets up with them periodically through the year. From Facebook mom groups to neighborhood apps like Nextdoor, there are countless ways to find people with shared values or needs. While these connections may start online, they can grow into real-life support networks.

2. Find Your Niches: If big groups overwhelm you (like they do me), focus on smaller, more intentional gatherings. Join book clubs, hiking, faith-based groups, or hobby meetups like photography, writing, crafting, etc. where genuine connection is valued over numbers.

3. Seek Reciprocal Relationships: A village works when there’s a balance of give and take. Identify those people who will show up for you in emergencies and ensure you can show up for them, too. It doesn’t have to be a large circle—quality trumps quantity.

4. Rethink “Boundaries”: Boundaries are essential, but if they’re too rigid (like my early conditioning taught me), they can isolate us. Find ways to be open without compromising your values. For instance, vulnerability doesn’t mean sharing everything—it means being real about your experiences.

Connecting Authentically Without Losing Yourself

I used to be a people pleaser and "rescuer." I always landed myself in situations where others needed help, and I was one of the first ones to jump in. But when push came to shove and I was needing the support, the group would scatter. I found that I would lose myself to just "fit in." I remember when the lightbulb went on and I realized that I was draining myself trying to prove that I'm a good and valuable friend.

I'm learning that building a village as your authentic self is possible. These are some of the things I've put into practice to come to relationships in a healthier way:

1. Practice Selective Vulnerability: Share small, meaningful pieces of yourself with others to build trust over time. This avoids oversharing while still fostering connection.

2. Set Intentional Goals: Instead of trying to connect with everyone, focus on cultivating a few meaningful relationships. Think of the people you can call in an emergency or who share your values.

3. Communicate Boundaries Clearly: Let people know what you’re comfortable with early on. For example, if small talk isn’t your thing, redirect conversations toward meaningful topics when you can. I'm still working on this one.

4. Develop Emotional Resilience: Not every connection will stick, and that’s okay. Focus on your worth and remember that rejection points you in the direction toward more authentic connections.

5. Join with Purpose: If joining a group feels like a stretch, do so with a clear purpose in mind. Participate in activities that feed your soul rather than drain your energy.

6. Cultivate Patience: Deep connections take time. Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate this journey.

Final Thoughts

The village may not look how I expected, but I’ve come to see that building a community isn’t about fitting into someone else’s mold—it’s about creating my own. My village doesn’t need to be large, loud, or conventional. It just needs to work for me.

To all the lone wolf mamas out there, know this: you’re not alone in feeling alone. And there’s no shame in navigating the world differently. Build your tribe with intention, show up as your authentic self, and trust that the right people will meet you where you are. The island may feel lonely at times, but it’s also a place where you can plant seeds for something beautiful.

If you’re still with me… then we can do this together!

I’d love to hear from you! Have thoughts, questions, or just need another mama’s perspective? Drop me a line and let’s connect—together, we can navigate this wild journey of motherhood and figure it out one step at a time.