Where I Went Wrong: Reflective Parenting

We’re taught early on that performance matters.

In school, we take tests to measure our knowledge. In PE, we assess our physical fitness—how far we can stretch, how many sit ups and push ups, how fast we can run.

At work, we sit through quarterly or annual reviews where our strengths are praised, and areas for improvement are, hopefully, constructively named.

But how often do we assess ourselves as partners—or parents?

How often do we stop and ask: How am I doing?

What’s working? What’s not? Where can I improve?

The truth is, sometimes it takes months or even years to realize something hasn’t been working.

One day you look around and think: Oh no. How did I get here?

That’s what happened to me.

I Raised Amazing Kids—and Still Got Some Things Wrong

I love my boys more than life. I am head-over-heels for the people they are.

They are kind, wise, funny, deeply human, and incredibly loving.

And still—I could have done better.

I’ve had honest conversations with both of them about the ways I unintentionally missed the mark. Not from neglect or lack of love—but from unexamined patterns rooted in my own upbringing.

The Legacy of Control—and My Swing Toward Permissiveness

I grew up in a home that was highly controlled and emotionally volatile.

We moved often. I was always trying to get my bearings.

I wasn’t rebellious. I wasn’t experimenting or sneaking around. I wasn’t even interested in dating until later. I was just surviving. Navigating the landmines of my environment.

As a kid I didn’t have FOMO… but as an adult, I had retroactive FOMO.

Because of that, when I became a mother, I vowed not to replicate the same level of control.

My rule became: As long as you’re honest with me, I’ll say yes. And I rarely had to question their honesty.

If the environment was safe, if the experience seemed good, then why would I say no?

But here’s where I missed the mark: I overcorrected.

When “Yes” Becomes a Disservice

My instinct to say yes—overrode my better judgment.

Instead of:

“Yes, once your room is clean…”

“Yes, after your homework is finished…”

—I said yes, immediately, even when responsibilities hadn’t been met.

And I modeled something I didn’t even realize I was modeling:

That it’s okay to drop your own responsibilities in service of others.

That being kind means putting yourself last.

I lived that way for years—helping others while letting my own house (literally and figuratively) fall apart.

And when I look back, I see how I unconsciously taught that same pattern to my kids.

The Result? A Lack of Structure in Some Areas That Mattered

Both of my sons are deeply thoughtful and emotionally intelligent. They love the wisdom. They love the love.

But they’ve also shared—openly and bravely—that they wish we’d instilled more consistency and structure around habits like cleaning their room, completing homework, and staying organized.

They’ve said: We needed more discipline—not punishment, but the kind of discipline that trains you to be on top of your life.

One of my boys is very structured when it comes to what he loves.

But when it comes to things he doesn’t? It’s a battle.

And now, the consequences come from the world, not from me or his dad.

How Do You Course-Correct Once a Pattern Is Set?

That’s the hard part.

By the time I recognized the pattern, it felt almost too late to change it.

But here’s what I did—and what I continue to do:

• I owned it. No defensiveness, just truth.

• I had raw, unfiltered conversations with my kids.

• I helped them name the habits that were hurting them.

• And I started to teach them how to build structure for themselves.

  
  

Is it perfect now? Of course not.

But that’s not the point. The point is to reflect—and respond.

Undoing Habits: The Truth About Change

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. That’s cute—but not always true.

Especially when the new habit meets resistance.

Undoing a family pattern takes:

• A change in environment (if possible)

• A system of accountability that feels supportive, not shaming

• Baby steps—micro-habits layered into routines you already have

  
  

Just like Atomic Habits teaches: anchor the new habit to an existing one.

Wake up → brush teeth → hydrate → take meds.

Or: homework → then 10 minutes of free time → then chore.

You weave it in.

You make it normal.

And most importantly, you make self-reflection a regular practice.

No Judgment—Just Ownership

We don’t parent in a vacuum. We carry our own childhoods into our parenting.

Sometimes we overcompensate. Sometimes we repeat.

But we don’t have to stay unaware.

If you’re reading this and thinking, I’ve made mistakes too—welcome to the club.

You’re not alone.

There’s no shame in realizing you could’ve done better.

The gift is in the realization. The power is in the pivot.

So ask yourself:

• What habits am I modeling?

• What needs course correction?

• What am I willing to shift, starting now?

  
  

Not for perfection. But for growth.

For love.

For the kind of legacy that gets wiser with every generation.